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Hey Hollywood, Leave My Childhood Alone!
Who needs these sequels and remakes?
Hollywood is responsible for creating countless tender childhood movie memories, and then mercilessly crushing them with their iron fist. Remember that feeling of betrayal when Jar Jar Binks stumbled onto screen in the “Star Wars” prequel, or the shame of seeing Indiana Jones in old-man pants? Is nothing sacred anymore?
Apparently not. The financial allure of sequels and remakes frequently ruin treasured memories of perfectly good movies, all in the name of profit. This week’s straight-to-DVD release of “Lost Boys: The Tribe” and “WarGames: The Dead Code” represent just the latest example of Hollywood big wigs attempting to turn your nostalgia into their paychecks—quality be damned! Here are ten more reasons to be scared of Hollywood’s insatiable appetite for sequels and remakes.
“A-Team”
The classic: A group of Vietnam War vets, hunted by the military, band together and travel around the country in an awesome van to help people in trouble. The cast included Mr. T, who played trash talking B.A. Baracus. “I pity tha fool!”
The update: A group of Iraq War vets, hunted by the military band together and travel around helping people in trouble. The film is rumored to have John Singleton onboard as director and, ahem, Ice Cube reprising Mr. T’s unforgettable role. After “Are We There Yet?” can Mr. Cube ever seem tough again?
“Robocop”The classic: The masterful Paul Verhoeven-directed satire about a resurrected cop fighting crime in Detroit is a commentary on America’s thirst for violence, the disappearance of industry and the death of the American City. And robo-trousers.
The update: The film—which might be a sequel, might be a remake, or might be a trendy “reboot”—will be helmed by “The Fountain” and “Requiem for a Dream” director Darren Aronofsky, who (we’re just guessing here) will focus on Robocop’s previously unexamined smack addiction.
“Terminator”
The classic: The first two “Terminators,” written and directed by James Cameron, focused on saving mankind from nuclear annihilation and subsequent takeover by Schwarzenegger-sized robots. Franchise trademarks included evocative looks into a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles, commentary on the dangers of technology run amok and rad jams by Guns ‘n’ Roses.
The update: “Terminator Salvation” subs in Christian Bale (a good thing) for Edward Furlong as John Connor, future resistance leader against the machines. But the film is in the questionable hands of director McG (“Charlie’s Angels”), which raises the frightening possibility that it might feature a poppy soundtrack of late ’90s hits by Third Eye Blind.
“Red Dawn”
The classic: It’s just an ordinary day for a group of small town high schoolers, when Soviet paratroopers drop out of the sky ready to invade their town. It’s up to the highschoolers (played by youngsters Patrick Swayze, Lea Thompson, Charlie Sheen and Jennifer Grey) to fight against the evils of Communism.
The update: The new film reportedly will feature a terrorism-centered (a.k.a. boring) plot. We’re taking a stand on this one. No “culturally relevant” update could ever replace the images of Soviet tanks rolling up on McDonalds, or Lea Thompson with a sub-machine gun.
“Ace Ventura”
The classic: Jim Carrey’s breakthrough film role was the annoying Ace Ventura, Pet Detective who originally set out to solve the case of a missing Miami Dolphins porpoise mascot. The film was a catalyst for years of painful Ventura impersonations by mind-numbing co-workers, semi-literate classmates, and embarrassing uncles.
The update: In “Ace Ventura Jr.,” Ventura’s son, Ace Jr. (Josh Flitter of “Big Momma’s House 2″) takes up his dad’s job after his mother is arrested for stealing a baby panda. If there’s one thing worse than ’90s era Jim Carey, it’s a child actor…doing anything. For a preview of how awful this could be, see “Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.”
“Friday the 13th”
The classic: Camp Crystal Lake has had its share of problems: drowned campers, massacred counselors, and a hockey-masked bloodlusting behemoth named Jason. The Kevin Bacon-co-starring original is also unofficially known as the best movie ever to make out to at slumber parties.
The update: After twenty-nine years and numerous terrible sequels, the Friday the 13th saga has tried everything (yes, that was Jason in space) and long ago lost its shock value. Now the director responsible for the hideous “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” remake has been hired to “reboot” the series. Maybe it’s time to let Jason die, for reals.
“The Warriors”
The classic: After a midnight gang summit in the Bronx, and the murder of a big boss, a Coney Island gang called the Warriors take the rap, and must fight cops and rival gangs on their long journey across New York City. Also inspired a fairly badass videogame.
The update: Director Tony Scott (”True Romance,” but also “Domino”) plans to bring the Warriors to LA where he says the battle will become an all out war, with epic action sequences, slow motion gun shots, and probably someone mourning over a fallen homie while rain pours down.
“Donnie Darko”
The classic: Donnie Darko was patient zero for hipsterdom. From the ’80s irony to Jake Gyllenhaal’s emo-prototype hero, the movie became a cult classic with Hot Topic shoppers and Fall Out Boy fans alike.
The update: “S. Darko” will resume the story in 1995, seven years after the original. Donnie’s little sister Samantha goes on a road trip to Hollywood with a friend and breaks down in a small desert town. Then she has some visions, a meteorite may or may not be involved. There’ll also probably be plenty of ’90s nostalgia. Like, “remember rollerblades?” Terrible. Just terrible.
“Tron”
The classic: A hacker (Jeff Bridges) is sucked into a Pong-era computer world where he wears a lot of spandex and battles malignant computer programs. One of the first movies to use computer graphics, and still visually stunning with its minimalist look.
The update: An intriguing development was revealed at the recent San Diego Comic-Con: Bridges will reprise his role for a sequel likely to be called “Tron 2.” But as computer graphics become standard for movies (and typically look terrible), a 21st Century “Tron” couldn’t possibly create the same sensation as the first. That is, unless Michel Gondry makes it out of claymation.
“The Birds”
The classic: Alfred Hitchcock’s excellent thriller about some crazy-ass birds who peck the hell out of a rich lady and her man friend, falls into the canon of nearly perfect horror films.
The update: Who would be stupid enough to mess with Hitchcock after the utter disaster of Gus Van Sant’s pointless “Psycho” remake? Apparently Michael Bay. His production company has had this in development for several years now and is targeting a July 2009 release. Discussions are reportedly underway with Martin Campbell (”Casino Royale”) to direct and Naomi Watts to star. Hitchcock probably would’ve loved Watts, but Michael Bay? Maybe not so much.
“The Day the Earth Stood Still”
The classic: A flying saucer lands on Earth and its alien inhabitant, Klaatu, and his robot, Gort, try to deliver a message to Cold War-era governments that the planet is doomed if it continues nuclear proliferation.
The update: The remake, due out in December, stars Keanu Reeves as Klaatu. Sure, it’s about time Reeves played an alien, but we’re dreading “save the world” messages as blatant as co-star Jennifer Connelly’s eyebrows. Think global warming is too obvious? Not in Hollywood!
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Um… Daren Aronofsky doing RoboCop sounds awesome. Also, you forgot about Goonies 2: Willie’s Revenge.